Sunday, November 21, 2010

in the beginning....and up until now...

Today is different.  Why? Because yesterday was, and the day before that.

I am walking into a season of "what in the WORLD"...and don't have a clue.  But GOD does...

ME. at 50. and don't have a clue.
awwww come on...

God is trying His best, but I am a creature of habit.  yep. He is trying to change my habits.
Habits of fear, responding to changes in circumstances by my nature, surrounding myself with people and things to give me security, but truly having none.

This last 120 days has been hell.   Not as much as before, but life has been really difficult this last year....

I have been, (for lack of a better word), "extrapulated". 

I left Phoenix, after losing my job, watching my husband drink like crazy, and withdrawing from me totally.  I needed support and he gave me none.  He was stressed over money, and hadn't worked in a year.  Me neither, til the job in AZ.

I want to blame my husband for all my woes, but I set most of them up, including him.
Going online to date...(don't even get me started on that)...

IF GOD is GOD, can HE get you to WHOM you need? ok, so enough.

I have attempted to make my christian life, right.  I never thought I would have the "situations" that I have had... never, ever, never.

But I, habitually want people to be the possibility I see in them.  Not accepting them totally for who they are right now and thinking this is all they are...

Christian walk has been all around me all my life. 
Grew up Baptist, now non-denominational.  I know Jesus.  I have spiritual ADD.
I forget things, get heart led in things, and do really stupid please me or men.

Returning to NC from AZ was a trip. Back in time but forward in progression.

Literally.  I left because I knew HE didn't really love me. Looking back, he probably never really did... Perhaps it was what I provided.  That hurt.  Still hurts.  bad.

I came without a thing back to my parents house, leaving him with everything we had...

Back to safety, home....where being 50 and running multi-million dollar programs, doesn't mean a thing.  I became 13 again to my parents, and 28 to my old friends.  Nothing changed. But it so has...

Over a period of months, it was good to see my old friends, get away from the baderging and watching HIM take care of himself, while yelling at me, it was all my fault.  I hated life, myself, my failures, and the  dependancy that had been created by him; and our two sons living with us.  It was a psuedo-life.  Looked real good on the outside.

Went to church, sang praise, did devotions at home, and if anything at all went wrong, WWIII.  I was put down, out and ignored.  I worked, I cleaned I was the only responsible member.

So, in the last 120 days, some of who I am has come back.  Too much. 

Living with ones parents also shows why you have the tendencies you do.  Yep.  Have to look at yourself and laugh. or cry, whichever comes first.

You shouldn't live with your parents ever again, past 22. Period., they love me, but you become something yet again, you didn't remember being.  Living into their standards in their home. Hearing your whole name.  Tap tapping on the door at 7am to ask what your plans were for that day. PLANS? I am NOT AWAKE, HOW COULD I HAVE PLANS??!!? lol...ugh...

Two weeks ago, I wound up back in my and his home, the one we left from, going to AZ in a hurry.

The renters left me a mess and a 464.00 power bill.  I am on unemployment.  They were my best friends daughter. More junk.

I got back into the house, and begin to clean.  Cleaning inside the house and myself.  
I haven't been by myself in....years...forever actually. 
I always had a boyfriend, husband, children.  wow.  So the first night in a run down house, was, say, interesting.

Cold, wondering how I was going to pay the bills without a job, I cried.  It was quiet, but getting away and getting here like I thought was going to be super duper!! wound up feeling just awful that night.

Nights have past, I have adjusted to quietness.  Weird what is happening to me...

I went into the basement and have had to sort through all HIS clothes. The ones he just simply left and didn't care about boxing, fixing, nothing.  as if he was just there yesterday....  As I touched each piece, I could remember where we were when we bought it.  What was going on with us, honeymoon, etc... I cried.

A- LOT.  I cried.  Car salesman coats, Sunday business suits, dress shoes, all disguarded.

Now, he does the job he refused to get or do in NC, industrial maintenance.  It was what he did when I met him.  He always wanted to be noticed.  Like a son looking for Father approval.  In church he wanted to sit up front.  He looked every bit the part of Mr. Successful lawyer.  But inside was a way overly sensitive boy, needing control and recognition.  I aided to that need. 
I believed in him, still do.  But he doesn't believe in himself, so enough of anything is never going to be enough.  Women, cars, clothes, marriages, he is so empty that unless there is constant response, it gets discarded.

I was discarded when I quit making money and we didn't get the "recognition" at church he wanted.  We did to start with.  But it wasn't real at home.  I mean it was in part, but I learned to be what he wanted, in order to get any affection whatsoever.  It felt like a business partner when he would go to bed without me, and/or turn his back on me.

I never felt loved, other than in the beginning, and looking back, that was probably what a woman who knew him said, "he is looking for soft place to land".  I was very soft in the beginning, but when things went bad, he didn't handle it and drank himself into a substance abuse involuntary committment.  This whole thing wasn't what he wanted.  I left, so he could blame me.  Perfect for him.

So, fast forward.  I am back in NC.  My husband is not speaking, texting emailing.
Yet, he sends me insurance cards.. to take care of me... guilt?? not Godly..for sure..
I saw where he is on dating sites.  We are not legally separated.

But GOD.

See, GOD can and will straighten this mess out.

I made most of the mess myself, through commission, omission, etc.
Some of it is entirely others fault. Even so, God has been telling me to "handle with love".
Not go for alimony? Not blast him entirely over the rocks for what he has done?!! I am hurt beyond words and Holy Spirit says, "handle with LOVE".. plllllleeease!!!!

Nope.... holy spirit says, shhhhhhh.  be still and quiet....
I want to be loved!!
God says, "I do love you silly girl".  Look at ME, not at HIM.

I can feel spiritual activity all around me.  Swirling around.  (no, its not nerves, lol, but I have every right to feel that way too, if I wanted!). 

I know GOD is working in my behalf because I have SUBMITTED to HIM.

I am living in a PEPTO PINK room the renters left.  I have nothing, but this stuff was left.  What assessories are things I picked up at yard sales the last several months...for whatever reason...

Whats funny, is the antique white bed and chester drawers, golden curtains with fringe and matching bedspread , makes this pepto pink room a Victorian heaven. I mean, every little thing that I picked up from a yard sale for 3 months, blended in , like a decorator had done it.  Others have come and marvelled at the room.  It's not me.  I didn't do it. I just showed up with the junk.  GOD did it!!  hmmmmmmm.

Every female that sees this room, swoons and says, "I want to sleep in here".. too funny...I was furious they left this room this color... but GOD.

GOD takes the junk and moves it around and make a beautiful masterpiece you can SLEEP PEACE...

I had no peace. I ran constantly to keep from dealing with me.  I had to make money, take care of others and was literally wearing myself out.. but GOD.

All my fears have come true. Not my dreams.
Because I directed them.  I was Christian and IN CHARGE OF ME!!

God said, "take your hands off".   I have.

I don't even remember or know who I really am. But I am learning the real me is quieter, happy and forgives and loves, unconditionally.

My house has no internet, no tv, no phone.  I think He wanted it that way.

I am into His word, His Holy Spirit.

My mind is not jumping...I have cried out all the tears I have....and see NOTHING right this minute, but I KNOW, its all fine.

Inside, I know, now that I have emptied out me, HE can show me what He wants.

It only took 50 years....
Pray for me, pray for HIM.  Pray for miraculous intervention.  I'm ready.
and if nothing happens, I will walk in JOY.  Inspite of me.

I have been hurt severly.. But I have also hurt others.. perhaps not ever meaning too...but we all have....

I am so sorry for anything I did out of self righteousness.  God shows us that we do not as Christians have the ability to think ourselves better than others, regardless of degrees, upbringing, churches, desires.  We are all human and short of what He wants in us.  The main difference is, who is trying to be GODLY and who is NOT? That shows others and GOD what is in your heart and spirit.

I have learned not to try and HELP someone be something they can't do on their own.  It won't stick, stay and sooner or later they wind up resenting you for changing them.

Its all about choices, and Holy intervention. 

A friend called from Phoenix and wants to know if I will come back and teach on this very small campus and live in a dorm.  What? go back where HE is?  As I drove across country for four days, crying my heart out,  I swore to never, ever go past Kentucky, going west. 

Really GOD?!!  Today I wait.  It's the only way I can see if things are GOD or not.  Testing them by His word. I am waiting, but feel like something is about to happen!! in a Great way!!

Tomorrow I will tell you about the jobs I can't have.  why? because HE blocks them.

until then, peace in HIM.